Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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