woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
