im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
