Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
