She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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