i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
