K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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