my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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