So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize