even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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