my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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