dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
