hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
