Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
