In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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