She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
