I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
