Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
