I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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