Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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