I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
