Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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