I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
