He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You are a genius and a whore.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize