just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
