I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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