A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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