They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
