I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
