Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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