dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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