it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
