I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Holy shit dude........stairs
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
