I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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