Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
