i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
