Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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