I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
