Need sex. Gaining weight.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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