I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
