Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
