so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
