I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize