He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
