Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
