There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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