On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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