Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
