I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
