So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
