So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
