She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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