If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
