I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
