I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
