dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
