Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So much rum. So many feels.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
