You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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