I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
