I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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